Well, here it isn’t. That is, here’s a tiny portion of my current work in progress, not the whole thing. I’m currently sewing a binding around the piece, a tedious process which involves stabbing my finger with the needle, biting back oaths, then checking to see if I’ve bled on the fabric. Occasionally I manage to attach a few inches of binding without all of that, but that’s the routine more often than not.
Once the binding is on, it’ll be time for the scowling: I hang the piece on the wall and frown at it a lot, occasionally making infinitesimal corrections with ink. I grimace at the piece from different angles and distances. Sometimes I deliberately walk away from it then spin around, hoping to catch it at something. (I’m not sure what.)
So that my husband won’t feel neglected, I involve him in the scowling process as well. I ask him questions like “Maybe the stripes are too prominent?” or “Was adding the five spools of lighter thread a mistake?” Of course, these sorts of queries are close philosophical relatives to questions like “Would I look better if lost 50 pounds?” No good is going to come of honest answers and he knows it. He has thus developed a politician’s sense of evasiveness, save those times when I can ambush him when he’s tired and distracted.
Alas, the sort of dense, irregular stitching I do tends to be accompanied by pronounced distortion. If the subject matter was a topo map of volcanos or mountains, that might be okay. However, I kind of like my 2D work to lay flat. Call me stodgy.
Now, about the time I was ready to flatten this particular piece, my vintage relic of an iron finally crapped out. The fallback had been my husband’s Bachelor Iron, until I learned that it spits out wads of toxic goo which eat through fabric. I briefly considered attaching the four sides of the piece to four elephants (or maybe mules; they’re easier to find) and encouraging them to stampede, so as to stretch said work flat. However, upon reflection, steaming seemed a more practical alternative. There was only one problem: I didn’t have a reliable iron or steamer.
Given that it had been years since my previous iron purchase, it seemed wise to put a little thought into the matter. The previous iron saw the rise and decline of the space shuttle and reality TV shows. Computers came of age, not only becoming incredibly swift but amazingly tiny. Perhaps the humble household iron had made similar technological leaps! Might there be irons which would analyze the fiber content of my cloth and adjust themselves to the appropriate temperature? Off-the-grid irons armed with solar panels or miniature nuclear reactors? There was only one way to find out: read reviews.
Here are some of the models which caught my eye.
Reliable Professional 9 Liter Stainless Steel Steam Boiler Ironing System with two irons – Oh yeah! TWO IRONS! That’s one for each hand! Life doesn’t get any better. Also, it isn’t just an iron; it’s an ironing system with a boiler!
Reliable Rectangular Pressing table with Double Cast Arms and Heated Sleeve and Utility Bucks – Isn’t this beautiful? I swear, it would look right at home in my garage next to the lathe and the drill press. The product description says this has a 3/4 h.p. vacuum and up-air motor. With this, maybe I wouldn’t need to have a shop vac and an air filtration system.
The Miele B890E, priced to move at $2,000, creates so much heat and pressure that fibers are converted to strings of tiny diamonds. Includes futuristic jumpsuit, space age stool, and air car.
LauraStar Magic S4 Steam Generator Iron with Vacuum and blower ironing board –
This sort of thing would normally require its own power plant. However, this one runs on magic. It even has the word Magic in the name.
The Laurastar Steamup i-G5 Portable Steam Generating Iron – Is that a coffee maker or maybe an espresso machine on the side? Sweet. Iron and get your caffeine buzz at the same time!
Reliable IronMaven Iron Steam Station – Gahhh!!! What is that iron doing to that tea kettle? Never mind. Don’t tell me. I’m not old enough to know. The name is so very cool, though. IronMaven. It begs to have flames painted on the sides.
220 Volt Braun Iron Freestyle – Great when you don’t want to have your ironing pattern to be proscribed. You can iron in any direction you like with this baby.
220 Volt Delonghi Steam Generator 2200 Watt – The product description says this steam generator (not to be confused with an ironing device) won’t work in the United States. That means it must be super awesome.
Euro-Pro Shark GI490 Professional Series Intelligent Electronic Iron – Sure; that makes sense. Who wants a dumb iron when they can have an intelligent one?
The fun didn’t end with the product descriptions; there were user reviews to be gotten through as well. Granted, most of them were dull. Dull, dull, dull. Some irons leak. Some don’t. Some steamers come with separate tanks and shoot out steam. Some don’t. Some work vertically. Some don’t. You get the idea. However, despite the relatively uninspiring subject matter, a few people got exercised about their irons and posted passionate soliloquies:
“It is truly a different beast than anything I’ve ever used! What steam production!!!”
It’s so delightful when a person enters into a rewarding relationship, even when the other party is just an iron.
“After deciding I wasn’t ready for a presser or a mangle for my clothing, and knowing I really didn’t need to press that many tablecloths, I discovered a new genre: steam generating irons. And, after some significant research, I ordered this DeLonghi model.”
Whoa whoa whoa! A MANGLE? Isn’t that the sort of thing grandma had on her porch along with the washboard? It sounds a little severe. Do we really wish to MANGLE things?
“We first purchased a residential Pressurized Boiler type iron while living in Spain.”
Yikes! You know, I’m just looking for an iron, not something which requires a regulator valve and OSHA safety training.
“Let’s face it–there are only so many controls on a home iron and so many ways to arrange them! This Rowenta has the temperature setting under the handle on a circular dial. My Sunbeam had it near the top of the handle where it could be adjusted while holding the iron.”
Actually, this isn’t something I’ve ever dwelled on very much. About the most thought I put into it was “Gosh, I’ll bet that switch controls a variable resistor.” That may not even be true anymore, though.
“I went to my local Target and looked at all the irons, and of course they’re all made in Red China or the like. Most were light as a feather and quite attractive. I even saw the descendent of my Sunbeam there, but it was in girly pink and that turned me off. There were several Rowenta models but this was the only one that was made in Germany–so I bought it.”
“Red China”? Huh. Haven’t heard that phrase in awhile. I thought people quit saying “Red China” sometime after Mao died.
“It’s an iron that has a separate base unit that hold water and creates pressure… and leaks shortly after you buy it.”
That’s frank. I appreciate that.
“DO NOT BUY THIS IRON!!!! IT’S A PIECE OF CRAP!!!!”
Also very frank, not to mention succinct.
By now, you may be asking yourself which iron I wound up with. Surely all of that information was helpful. Did I weigh all of the options carefully and make a wise purchase? Did I invest a few hundred or a few thousand in a high-quality steaming system?
In a word, no. I became so overloaded with information that I didn’t feel I could make a good decision. Instead, I did what I should have done in the first place. I marched down to Target where I found a very primitive Black and Decker iron marked down to $10. This particular iron is rated at one star on Amazon because it leaks like a hundred year old faucet. However, it fulfills my two basic requirements: it gets hot and it makes steam.
Case closed.
